Life of a Warrior webshow
by Heathershadow
Summary: Leaders have a webshow. Rated T for a reason! Probably always in progress. First couple episodes are boring, after that I should start picking up. Apologies if I don't update as soon as you'd like. I write to my schedule, not your's.
1. Episode 1: Pilot

**Cast: Firestar (F); Onestar (O); Blackstar (B); Leopardstar (L)**

**Yes, I know Leopardstar is… spoiler… dead, but I love her. Actually, I sorta hate her in one book… but all the rest, she's great! Plus, she makes one hell of a perfect character for what this is! XD**

**Anyways, I hope you enjoy. Now, to get to the disclaimers:**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Warriors (Warrior Cats). This is Erin Hunter's job. If I owned Warriors, I wouldn't be spending my days writing fanfiction crap. I would be writing the real deal.**

**I got the idea from FLOB. Thank you Enyo14, author of FLOB, for the idea. I'll try not to copy you too much! If I do, I apologize. I am in a writer's block at the moment and am hoping this will get me out of it. Anyways, enough BOLD script indicating Comments on the following Chapter; let us begin:**

[Setting: 'Posh' studio with crimson carpet, four director's chairs each with a leader in it. They are all sipping tea.]

O: Hello. Welcome to our new web show. We haven't decided on a name yet-

F: I still say 'Torment of Firestar'.

O: -but we should come to a decision, soon.

F: Torment of Firestar!

O: Shut up, Firestar, and I'll try not to wage another war with your Clan.

F: Like you could manage it with most of the she-cats in the nursery and Crowfeather too busy sending more in! The only one not in the nursery is Nightpelt!

O: Crowfeather develops the Clan. He is a large donator of new warriors to WindClan and is held in the highest regard.

F: Then, why isn't he leader or deputy?

O: …

F: Exactly.

[Leopardstar sips tea]

L: Let's begin. I would like to bring in a very special guest for the first night. Welcome to the show…

[Dramatic music, compliments of Blackstar]

L: … BRAMBLECLAW!

[Brambleclaw slowly walks in]

Brambleclaw: Thanks for having me!

B: Just sit down, Brambleclaw, and no one gets hurt.

Brambleclaw: I feel so loved.

L: Aw, Brambleclaw, sweetie, I love you.

O: Typical. ThunderClan and RiverClan. How many times, exactly, has this happened?

L: Oh, sweetie, I still have enough room in my den. We can all crawl into my nest. Firestar, you can come, too.

F: No, thanks. I'm devoted to Sandstorm and only Sandstorm.

O: Sure, you are. And, I won't be joining you, either. I'm busy doing better things… like sleep.

L: I guess it's just you, Brambleclaw.

Brambleclaw: Nah, I think I'll pass. I prefer a mate without ten chins.

B: What about me? I'm single and horny.

L: And?

[silence]

F: Y'know, Blackstar, I'm sure I could hook you up with a single I know.

B: Really? *mouth begins to water* Who?

F: *snickers* Your mom!

[more silence]

B: My mother was a strict Christian who only became involved in coitus for pure reproductive purposes. She died in childbirth. Her last words were: *in raspy voice* 'To StarClan, I go. I hope to never see these children again, so they may live forever in the Forest'. *wipes tear from eye*

F: …

L: …

O: …

F: …

O: …

L: …

F: Well, I guess we already shattered her dreams. We're out of the Old Forest. This is the Lake, grandma! Get with the times!

[Leopardstar bitch-slaps Firestar]

L: How dare you! You, you, you fiend! Blacky over here just spilled out his heart for us and you jab it with a sharp sti- okay,no, that sound too much like a good thing. Carry on, sweetie.

O: …

F: …

B: …

L: … What?

O&F&B? Nuthin'!

L: Okay.

Brambleclaw: Um… this is sorta awkward, but I gotta pee. I stole some of Leopardstar's tea and-

F: And she puts drugs in her's to keep her alive, you idiot. I swear, I'm surrounded by dumbasses!

L: Isn't this supposed to be rated PG?

O: Yes. Yes, it is.

B: Then, I suppose while I dismiss Brambleclaw to the loo-

F: Since when were you British?

B: -we shall say our special Parental Broadcast.

L: Remember: Never drink alcohol. It is unhealthy for you and can cause…

F: Diabetes?

L: No.

O: STDs?

L: You're only thinking of Crowfeather. No.

B: Death?

L: YES! Alcohol can cause death.

O: Just take poor old Tallstar, for example. He was a kind, old goat. Everyone loved him.

F: *cough* Except Mudclaw *cough*

O: He got drunk, one night while on The Great Journey. He collapsed on the spot.

B: Yes, and he was so-

F: BLEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPP

B: *glares* -drunk that he actually made Onestar deputy at the last minute. He became the Onestar we know and l-l-l-l-looo-loooo-

L: Love?

B: That's the word! L-l-lo-loooo- The 'L' word! He became the Onestar we know and 'L' word today.

O: I'm flattered. Maybe you can climb into my nest tonight.

B: *lunge*

O: Ackkk! *dies*

[Brambleclaw walks back in]

Brambleclaw: I'm back from the- WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED, HERE!

B: Um…..

[camera shuts off]

**Does Onestar survive? If so, does Blackstar end up in his nest? Does Firestar get over his dumbass-issue? Will Leopardstar ever get over her drug addiction? Will Brambleclaw have to pee, again? FIND OUT NEXT TIME! **

**Apologies. It's a little boring this chapter and next. I'm, again, in a writer's block. Stick with me.  
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	2. Episode 2: The Ginger Incident

**Disclaimer: Same as last chapter.**

**Welcome back.**

[Same cats, same place. Crimson carpet. No tea. Onestar covered in dirt and pain.]

F: Hello, and welcome back to Tortures of Firestar!

L: We never agreed on that name.

B: shut the camera off and start again.

O: *groan* *twitch* *groan*

L: Welcome back to Life of a Warrior!

F: Too cheesy!

B: I like cheese!

O: *groan* *twitch* *groan*

F: As you can see, Onestar survived.

B: Unfortunately, we had already buried him so he had to dig his way out.

L: Then, Blackstar decided to shoot him.

B: I thought it was a zombie.

F: So the albino says.

B: I'm not albino!

O: *groan*

F: See! He agrees with me!

L: Let's get to our guest. Today, instead of Brambleclaw's bladder issues, we welcome to the stage: Arnold Schwarzenegger!

[gasps from the crowd]

L: LOL, JK! IJKYYLDH!

F: What?

L: I'm getting my chill on!

B: And what, exactly, is IJKYYLDH?

L: Obviously, it stands for I just kidded you, you little dick heads.

F: Dickheads is one word.

L: Oh. IJKYYLD!

B: And you can have JK and IJK in the same sentence.

L: Dammit.

B: Whatever happened to your 'bleep', Ginger?

F: Ginger? Ginger! You're gonna need a shitload of bleeps for what I'm about to say, Albino. You may want to censor some video, too!

L: Turn the camera off, now.

F: You little mother f***ing, cowhide of a f***in-

[camera goes black]

…

…

…

…

[camera comes on]

O: *groan*

F: *groan:

B: *groan*

L: *smile* Well, as I was saying, I was kidding about Arnold. Nice young man, he is. I remember him when he was just a few moons old…

[enter flashback]

[exit flashback]

L: But, instead, welcome, Crowfeather! My boy toy, if ya know what I'm saying.

[Crowfeather walks in]

Crowfeather: Sorry, Leopardstar. Raping me in the middle of a river as I'm drowning doesn't count as making me your boy toy. No, that job is reserved to Leafpool… and Heathertail, Swallowtail, Whitetail, and all the other she-cats in WindClan. And ThunderClan. And a few in RiverClan and ShadowClan.

L: Except Nightpelt.

Crowfeather: Except the whining little bitch, Nightpelt. And you. StarClan, not you.

L: Am I really too good for you?

Crowfeather: Try, too old.

L: *groan*

F: *groan*

B: *groan*

O: *groan*

Crowfeather: *hesitation* *awkward groan*

L: Don't mock me!

O: Shut *groan* up *groan* and *groan* continue *groan* the *groan* show. *groan* *twitch* *groan*

L: *smack* How dare you! But you're still my sweetie.

O: *groan*

F: *groan*

B: *groan*

L: What?

Audience: *groan*

L: F*** you, all!

[camera shut off with fading 'Ginger' and spilling blood heard in the background]

**Yes, it's short. Not even half as long as the other one. I'm not sure when I'll be updating so, please, don't abandon me. I'm trying to update more often... which reminds me... I need to update Lost Island. XD**

**I'm open to suggestions via Review. Please no PMs. They get annoying. Only friends may PM, otherwise, you get a nice cozy spot on my personal Ignore List.**


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